So, today I am to tell you something I know a lot about. Thinking over what I wanted to write about I was unsure of what approach I wanted to take. I could tell you all about the perfect pour-over, ice cream {my most guilty pleasure}, the studliest man in the world {my hubs lol}, or something completely random like my fascination with sharks.. yea i dunno. But after more thought I decided that I would share something I unfortunately know too much about; and that is fear.
Do you remember when you were a little kid and you knew without a doubt that the noise you were hearing that was keeping your awake was a terrifyingly ugly dangerous monster and it was hiding under your bed!? Well that is what fear is for me. A hideous monster that creeps around my every thought, keeps me awake at night, and paralyzes my whole body.
I strugge with fear in relationships; the fear that if I mess up, don't do a good job keeping in contact with someone, or if I have to miss out on an event, that my most dear friends will in return leave me out of everything and no longer want a friendship with me. I have fear that my husband and I will repeat our parents mistakes and even more so never move beyond the challenges were dealing with now.
Although my frenemy fear is that of being alone at night. There is nothing I dread more.
I go back to being that little kid in bed paralyzed with fear of the horrifying monster hiding under my bed. When I am alone at night/overnight I have to do a thorough sweep of every closet, behind every door, in the shower, or even a shelf large enough to fit a human; at least two times.
Fear becomes so powerful that I am certain when i leave an empty house to go to the gym I will return to a kidnapper or rapist hiding in that closet I already checked twice before i left! Then when I know that I am safe and no one is in the house and day has turned to night, I will go to shower, hear a noise and am sure that the huge chair I put in front of the door has knocked over and the man entering has slipped over the weights I put in the way to block his path. I am doomed.
So now a simple task such as showering has turned into a war zone and I must walk out the door armed and ready for battle. Once I'm out and see that the chair is still blocking the door and the weighs are securely in place, I must now re-check all those hidden places that someone could be hiding in. I know how absurd this sounds... Believe me.
And I am not proud of it.
The verse that most speaks to me about this issue of mine is, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discilpine." -2 Timothy 1:7
The part about having a sound mind is what always escapes me in these moments. First and foremost God is with me and is my protector. He will not let any harm come to me. And I know that if I lock the door then really, who can get in?
People, the Devil is alive and knows our deepest weaknesses and will use them against us in the worst way. I have allowed him to do this for too long, and it is not okay.
While I can not speak to total victory of this ugly monster I know it is possible. I have a dear friend who has won the battle against fear and is victorious! I tell you about her for two reasons; the first is that God is bigger than fear, or whatever issue you may be dealing with, He has equipped us as believers with the tools needed to overcome. Victory is not a probability it is a certainty when you have The Lord. The second reason is that it helps to share what your struggling with someone. Facing that ugly monster in your life alone is near impossible but sharing it allows you to feel a sense of release, and when it is with someone who struggled with the same issue, it brings contentment to know you are not crazy and that you're not the only person to ever deal with these feelings. Because whatever it is; you are not alone in it.
My husband had to leave me last week for three nights. The first two were a struggle; but by the third night after I truly leaned into the Lord and put up the necessary door blockers, I slept soundly. For the whole night. Not waking up once! Little victories should be praised!
Thank you for reading. It's not easy sharing this struggle, but I believe its crucial if I want to overcome it. I hope and pray for you and the monster in your life. You will have victory, and when you do sing praise!!
<3 Gabrielle
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